I’m terrified of heights – but a fear of rejection found me abseiling off a hotel

Growing up, my school reports were filled with phrases like, ‘Naomi could do better’; ‘Naomi doesn’t apply herself to her full potential’.

But what I lacked in academia I made up for as a ‘enthusiastic, pleasant, helpful and willing girl’.

I was brought up to be a polite girl – one who said ‘yes’ when she was offered a piece of cake at someone’s house, regardless of whether she wanted it or not. One who said ‘yes’ when someone asked her to do something, whether she wanted to or not.

I had no idea what people-pleasing even was as a child but I knew that if I went the extra mile, and did things to make others happy, I would receive validation and a sense of worthiness. Being a people-pleaser simply became part of my nature, one of my ingrained, default settings.

Then, during my teenage years, my mum battled a chronic illness from which she subsequently died.

The grief and the huge sense of loss I experienced just exacerbated my desire to please. I was scared of the fear of rejection, of not being loved, if I ever declined a request.

I became a ‘yes’ woman to the detriment of my own health and happiness.

When a friend asked me to abseil off a 160ft hotel to help raise money for charity, I said ‘yes’ instantly despite being terrified of heights.

I spent the months in the run-up worrying, and when the day came around, I hated every second of it – but it was better than the thought of letting my friend down and being honest about my fear.

I said ‘yes’ to huge, unrealistic projects at work, even though I already had more than I could handle on my plate, and was struggling with my mental health. The word ‘no’ simply wasn’t part of my vocabulary.

It wasn’t until I reached my forties that I started to address my people-pleasing ways. Surprisingly, it was triggered by losing weight.

In 2019, aged 39, my physical, mental and emotional health were at rock bottom. I had battled with depression and anxiety since my early teens and received clinical treatment on and off for nearly 30 years. 

That was until it all came to a head 25 years after my Mum died and I had found myself unable to manage the deeply low moods and anxious thoughts I was experiencing.

I was deeply unhappy, despite looking like I was successful from the outside.

I had battled with my weight and emotional eating from childhood but now, significantly overweight and feeling and looking my unhealthiest, I finally started to make the necessary changes to get my weight under control.

It started with small changes to my lifestyle: making healthier food choices, reducing my alcohol intake and exercising. And to ensure I stuck to my new habits, I had no choice but to start saying ‘no’.

Most of my social life and friendship groups revolved around drinking and eating out so the first thing I had to decline was social engagements.

For fear of friends’ judgement, I often kept quiet about my decision and made excuses as to why I couldn’t always attend, but soon I was saying no to social events in my diary for the first time in my life; saying ‘no’ to alcohol every time it was offered to me; ‘no’ to cake when I didn’t want it.

I soon felt empowered by my newfound boundaries. I started to realise that I had been stuck in an unsuccessful pattern of behaviours, always telling myself I was ‘too busy’ to look after my health.

What started out as a desire to be slimmer had transformed into a desire to be healthier, happier and stronger – physically, mentally and emotionally.

I began to get a better understanding of my own behaviours when I retrained to become a weight loss coach and started to learn about the psychology behind human behaviour to help my own clients. 

That’s when I came across the definition of ‘fawning’ as used in the context of a trauma response. Also known as the ‘please and appease’ response, it refers to people like myself who constantly abandon our own needs to serve others.

The seeds of my people-pleasing were sown in my childhood but my Mum’s death created a significant void of love and recognition which, unconsciously at the time I was desperate to fill. The only way I knew how to at that age was to please others and gain recognition from that.

Today, I have boundaries in all areas of my life, and proudly own them.

I no longer fill my diary with every social and business commitment I used to feel obliged to accept; now I only say yes to things that make me genuinely happy. I choose quality over quantity, so while I may see friends less, I enjoy the occasions far more. 

I can see and feel that the self worth I have now, which I didn’t previously, is mirrored in all of my relationships, too. I don’t feel taken advantage of like I did for years and if I do feel like someone crosses the line and it is going to impact my boundaries, I am no longer afraid to politely make it known to them.

Prioritising myself has felt uncomfortable at times, but I no longer felt guilty for saying ‘no’. I knew it was finally time to pay attention to my own needs properly – words I never thought I would say without feeling self indulgent and selfish.

I have finally been able to start exploring how to heal from the trauma I’ve experienced.

I’ve stopped being a people pleaser, and I can safely say it’s been the making of me – I just wished I’d not said ‘no’ to change for so long.

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