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Signs it’s worth giving your ex another chance, and when to let go

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Thinking of getting back with an ex? (Picture: Getty)

After us faith that love truly does exist when they rekindled their relationship nearly 20 years after they first started dating back in 2002,Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck are rumoured to be heading for divorce.

‘Bennifer’ initially met on the set of Gigli and began dating soon after JLo divorced her second husband. By the end of that same year they were engaged to be married, but just a few months later they separated.

It seemed that love really could conquer all though, as two decades later, Ben and Jen finally made it down the aisle after giving things a go for the second time.

Statistically, it’s not that surprising either, with more than 30% of couples getting back together after a breakup.

But sadly, it’s now suspected that the pair’s relationship has broken down once again. So if you’re also considering reviving an old romance like Jenny from the Block, it’s something you’ll want to think carefully about.

Yes, you may be obsessed with each other, but there are a few clear signs you might be better off letting the relationship go.

Signs to look out for before reuniting with an ex

We spoke to Courtney Boyer, a relationship and sexuality expert, to figure out the key signs to look for before getting back in touch with a former partner.

She tells Metro.co.uk there are five things you should consider:



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  • You’ve both done some healing. If you approach the relationship with the same (limited) tools that you had the first time around, then you’re not setting yourself up for success. It’s likely that you will just repeat the past. Change nothing and nothing will change. 
  • You’ve forgiven each other’s (and your own) past. I cannot emphasise how important forgiveness is. Unresolved resentment will fester and undermine your relationship. Long-term success can only come from a place of peace and that begins first with yourself. If you’re not willing to forgive them or yourself for their past, then it will haunt your present relationship. 
  • You know what you want. What is the goal for having this person in your life? Is it to start a family? Is it to meet a specific need? Be very clear on what you are wanting and make sure the other person is too. And then see if they are really able to meet that need. Forcing them into something you want them to be won’t work (or last).
  • You’ve established deal breakers. Have you identified why the relationship ended originally? What caused its demise? Be really honest with what led to the relationship failing and see how it could be prevented going forward. Also consider any new deal breakers that will cause you to exit the relationship and ask your partner to do the same. 
  • Release the outcome. Anytime we want something to work so badly, we tend to fight for control and make choices out of fear instead of love. When we trust the process, believe that when we show up as our healthy self, and that everything is working for us, then it does. That’s when love wins.

Before you send that ‘I miss you’ text though, Dr Becky Spelman, psychologist and founder at Private Therapy Clinic has shared her tips on reunification.

‘Deciding whether you should rekindle a past romance is a deeply personal and subjective decision,’ she tells Metro.co.uk. 

‘It is advisable to have open and honest conversations with your partner and to seek the guidance of trusted friends, family members, and, if needed, a professional therapist, to help navigate the decision-making process. 

‘While there are no definitive signs that universally apply to everyone, there are some things to consider when contemplating reigniting a past relationship.’

She said these are considering whether you and your partner have compatible values, goals, and aspirations. ‘It is important to have common ground and a shared vision for the future to ensure a strong foundation for the relationship.’ 

She added: ‘Both individuals should express a genuine desire to reconnect and invest in the relationship going forward. It is important to ensure that both of you are on the same page and willing to put in the necessary effort to make the relationship work.’

When to let go

Relationship therapist Ness Cooper tells Metro that there are some obvious signs you shouldn’t keep trying to make things work.

She explains: ‘During the second attempt of a relationship many people may experience more of an inner critic due to trying to cover up unhappy emotions around what has occurred.

‘If you’re criticising yourself more internally, and haven’t been able to process the sadness from the gap in your relationship, it may make it harder to grow further together.

‘This isn’t a one-sided thing and couples who have experienced this emotional loss need to allow each other the ability to address it. If your partner isn’t allowing you to profess things then it may be time to move on.’

Ness also says passive-aggressiveness is common, because despite reuniting, the hurt may still be there.

‘It can be masked as a form of teasing or flirting but it can be damaging for you within the relationship if there’s too much of it,’ she adds. ‘Passive-aggressive behaviour can be isolating and maybe a way a partner is saying “well you made me be alone in the past during the break-up, I want you to feel that too.”‘

Playing the blame game can lead to too much resentment, and if you can’t get past it, you should just move on.

In the words of novelist Rita May Brown (not Albert Einstein as countless motivational posters would suggest, ‘Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, but expecting different results.’

Do you have a story to share?

Get in touch by emailing [email protected].


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