Metro’s agony aunt Em Clarkson is here to solve all your problems.
This week she’s handing down sage guidance on how to deal with your partner’s debt, and navigating issues between your spouse and parents.
Read on for this week’s reader conundrums and Em’s advice.
Me (32F) and my boyfriend (33M) have been on/off for 6 years, no children. He is the most thoughtful and loving man, and we have a wonderful time together.
The problem is his finances. He is in a significant amount of debt (more than one year gross annual salary) and has zero savings. He has only ever lived with his mum, so he’s never paid any bills. He is making no effort to repay his debt and he works a dead-end minimum wage job.
I have offered to help him budget, but he says no. I want a future with this man but the only way it will happen is if I fund it entirely. He sees no issue with him not contributing in a fair and proportionate way. I am sick of living alone but refuse to completely fund his unsustainable lifestyle.
I am pleased to hear that last line out of your mouth, because you are not this man’s mother and it doesn’t matter how much you love him, you can’t spend a lifetime bailing him out.
His debt in no way makes him a bad man, and it’s not simply his poor finances that make this relationship unsustainable, it is his attitude towards this problem that does.
For whatever reason (it sounds like his mother might be a big reason), he has never grown up or taken responsibility for himself or his life. And I completely understand that you love so much of who he is, perhaps in part because of the charming affability that comes from not taking life too seriously. But the other side of that coin is a selfishness, or laziness – whatever you’re going to call it – that makes a future together untenable; at least one in which you are equal, respected, or relaxed.
Want to ask Em Clarkson a question?
Em Clarkson is here to solve all your problems.
Well, sort of.
As Metro’s agony aunt the influencer, author and content creator (busy much?) is primed and ready to be a sympathetic ear, an oracle of wisdom or, quite simply, a stand-in for that girl in the nightclub bathroom you share your thoughts and dreams with while waiting in line.
While she stresses she’s no alternative for therapy, Em is keen to talk through any quandary.
With over 300,000 followers on Instagram and a reputation as one of the more honest influencers out there, Em is often asked for advice in her DMs. Now, she wants to do the same in Metro, as our columnist.
No topic is off limits. So if you’ve a question for her agony aunt series, email [email protected].
Even if you were prepared to fund his life and accept it as the price you pay for the man you love, you need to step back and look at what his unwillingness to change represents.
In refusing to take steps to rectify his situation, he is telling you that he is happy to take from you, for you to work harder and to sacrifice more, all the while he won’t even try.
And that’s not what true love looks like; that’s not what mutual respect looks like; that’s not what you want your life to look like.
You need to communicate to him that your offers to help him come from a place of concern for yourself and you need to tell him that if he can’t stand up and take some responsibility for himself, then you’re out of there.
If he maintains that he sees no issue with your funding his life and bailing him out, then run.
Is it reasonable that my husband refuses to stay at my father’s house at all? We’ve stayed there a few times before, and he finds the house cold and sometimes smoky from the fire, and thinks the bed is old and uncomfortable.
My dad has also in the past sometimes gone out golfing while we’re there, which makes my husband feel like he’s not that bothered when we’ve come to see him.
Now we have a baby in the mix too, and my dad has offered to buy a cot in order for us to stay the night there. It’s only one hour drive from us, so my husband would prefer to drive there and back rather than stay, and says the house is ‘unsafe’ for a baby.
I see his point but while it’s summer it won’t be smoky or cold, so there’s far less excuse, and no need to baby-proof before the baby is crawling, which I guess would be another hurdle later.
On the flip side, is it necessary for us to stay there? I do feel bad if we spend the night at his parents’ (who are three hours drive away and have lots of grandchildren, so are well prepared for it) and then never with him. It’s not that I really want to, I just feel guilty not ever doing it when I know he’d like us to.
It feels like part of the reason is the bed being uncomfortable for my husband. Is it reasonable then for me to ask my dad to buy us a new bed, a cot and lots of other baby things in order for us to stay only a few times per year?
Oh god I don’t envy you, this is a horrible position to be in. Particularly knowing, as you do, that your dad is watching his grandchild spend lots of time at your husband’s parents’ and not with him.
If it were me, I’d ask my husband to suck it up at least once this summer, let your dad buy a cot, and go and stay.
If he waltzes off to play golf during your visit, I think you’re well within your rights to cite that next time as a reason for not staying in the future. Similarly, if in the winter it is too cold or smoky or whatever, then you can tell him the truth: That it is not safe for the baby to stay there.
Ask Em Clarkson: Your questions answered
But I think it would be nice to give your dad a chance to have you all to stay; it may be that the presence of his grandchild will change things anyway.
It may not, and I want to manage your expectations there. There’s still every chance you’ll have a bad night’s sleep and spend the whole time on edge looking after a baby in a house you can’t relax in, feeling like your dad is not even aware of all the effort you’ve gone to, but that’s family, isn’t it?
Ask your husband to do it for you, and for your baby. It’s hard to keep perspective now but these are memories we’ll be grateful for one day, and we don’t want to look back when it’s too late and regret it.
If it’s a disaster, then learn from it – put your boundaries down and insist on day trips and overnighters at yours – but if it were me, I’d at least give it a chance.
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