When I was in my late 20s, I had sex with a man who was 16 years older than me.
David* and I worked in similar circles and kept running into each other. I’ve always been turned on by confidence (which he had in spades) and he also frequently wore suits – another weakness of mine back then.
While I wasn’t necessarily bothered about the fact that he was in his early 40s, such a big age gap was definitely a first for me.
Up until that point, the oldest person I’d been with was an ex who was nine years my senior.
The time I spent with David was an eye-opening experience.
Unlike partners my own age, he didn’t just want to shag me and roll over to sleep. Exploring my body was a privilege to him, so he took the time to figure out what makes my body tick more than any lover my own age ever had.
Since him, I have slept with more people older than myself, but I’ve also slept with men who are younger, too.
And with age gap relationships areguably the biggest dating trend of 2024, I’m out to settle the question once and for all: do older or younger men make better lovers?
To show respect, I’ll start with my elders.
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In my 20s I found sleeping with them made me feel safe at a time when I was still trying to figure out who I was. Trying new things in bed can be scary when you’re starting out and I found it easier to experiment with them, knowing I was in capable hands.
They didn’t make me feel silly for not being experienced.
On the contrary, like in David’s case, most were eager to show me their skills, acting as my ‘teacher’ in bed – and I was more than a willing student.
However, that’s not to say that these dalliances came without challenges.
I was more aware of the stresses of their own lives, which sometimes made their way into bed with us.
Some of these lovers also preferred their way of doing things. And sometimes it felt as if they had the upper hand because of the inherent power dynamic that comes with big age gaps.
Subconsciously, I saw their opinions and approaches as more important than my own, given that they had experienced more of life. It took me years to realise that I didn’t have to follow their lead.
This problem hasn’t existed as much with the younger men I’ve slept with – the youngest being my current boyfriend, who is 28 (I am 34), but there have been others before him.
However, now being the elder, I’ve been more concerned about making sure they’re not falling for the power imbalance I once did as the younger party.
It has always been very important to me that my partner feels safe. I’ve always checked in with lovers to make sure they are comfortable with our situation and encouraged them to express their wants and desires.
As much as I try to communicate openly and make my partners happy, younger men haven’t always extended the same courtesy my way.
One former lover – who was five years younger than me – was phenomenal in bed. He was always giving, which I appreciated. But outside of the sheets, he had the emotional depth of a cardboard box.
This soon became exhausting and it was the reason I eventually told him to hit the road.
If you want to get my motor running, my mind needs as much stimulation as my body – a fact younger men don’t seem, at least in my experience, fully able to appreciate.
Sometimes though, what they lack in maturity they make up for in enthusiasm.
When I was 28, I had an incredible one-night-stand with a 24-year-old man called Jonas*. He was one of the most enthusiastic sexual partners I’d ever had and I also felt very comfortable in his company.
Because of that I felt able to be the more dominant character, take up more space and tell him exactly what I wanted and needed.
I may be very vocal now but I wasn’t always this way. And statistically, women are less likely to speak up in bed anyway. Luckily for me, Jonas was not only happy to follow ‘orders’ but he also wasn’t afraid to take charge.
One thing I’ve noticed both groups have in common, however, is that they could become jealous or resentful when became apparent I had slept with more people than they had. Sometimes they told me ‘you’ve been around’ to my face, other times it was a twitch of the lip or a raised eyebrow.
Occasionally, the way they treated me changed for the worse (which is usually when I ended things).
Thankfully, as we all know, no two people are alike. And as a result there are benefits and drawbacks to shagging people on either side of your own age.
I can only speak to my own experience but my history has shown me that, when it comes to choosing a sexual partner, things are never cut-and-dry.
Older people (myself included now) often have more baggage that can slip into the bedroom – from unresolved emotional issues and ex-partners, to job issues and general stress – but this can also be a positive because the more experience we have, the more we learn how to communicate our needs and deal with what life throws at us, including in the bedroom.
While younger people may still be working out what they like in bed or how to please a partner, they are more wary of things such as the importance of pleasure and consent, which has been at the forefront of sexual discourse in the past few years.
It’s also worth mentioning that there are age gap limits.
Put simply, if you are concerned that someone might be too young or old for you, they probably are. You have as much responsibility to consider the other person’s wellbeing, as well as your own.
So while this might be the hot new dating trend, it should never just be a case of jumping into bed with the next silver fox you see.
As for who is ultimately better in bed, well, let’s just say sex is relative.
Either way, every lover can teach us something valuable.
This article was first published on Apr 12, 2024.
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