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My libido disappeared. I got it back while my boyfriend was next door

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Almara photographed on her bed at home in south London (Picture: Rachel Adams)

‘I love sex but my body isn’t responding the way it used to,’ a friend told me over drinks not long ago.

This particular pal, who is in a relationship, usually has a very active libido and feels at a loss as to what to do to get back into the groove.

Her boyfriend is very supportive and they’ve got a box full of sex toys, but the predicament remains. 

There are lots of potential solutions to this, to work through it as a couple – but my advice was simple, and crucially, something my friend and anyone else going through such problems can do alone. 

Put simply: masturbate alone while your partner is at home.

It might sound strange, but it works, and I’m speaking from personal experience.

In the past few months, my own libido has dropped for no reason in particular – it’s still there, it’s just not as voracious as it used to be.

There’s nothing wrong with my sex life, but I’ve just not been in the mood as often as I’d like.

Almara discusses the benefits of masturbation with your partner next door (Picture: Rachel Adams)

My body and mind won’t seem to connect, and it’s been frustrating, physically and mentally.

That is, until the other month, when I decided to masturbate by myself while my partner was in a different room napping on the couch. 

There was no big thought process behind this decision – no eureka moment. 

I was simply lying in bed, spotted my vibrator on the floor and decided it might be fun to play solo.

It was fun, and then some. My body’s response was incredible.

As I could hear my boyfriend snoring on the sofa, my toes began to tingle – he was none the wiser to my naughty task.

Within minutes, I had orgasmed. 

It wasn’t until after the endorphins subsided that I understood why I’d had such a good time.

Aside from the fact that no one knows how to get me off like I do, I realised that it had been weeks since I’d last touched myself without my partner present.

It was as if I had re-centred my own pleasure – I felt lighter. I’ve since gone on to do it again and again. 

Masturbation is an instant libido lift, explains Almara(Picture: Rachel Adams)

Many people might find it odd that I would choose to masturbate when I could have had sex with someone else  but I find this thought thrilling.

The fact my partner was at home just made it all the better; it was a little bit taboo, because I could have been ‘caught’ at any moment, even though, knowing him well, he’d have likely watched or joined in. 

I’ll admit, masturbating when your lover is in the same place but not involved can be an odd concept to get your head around – and this is actually the first time I’ve done it.

Subconsciously, in the past, I think I was too concerned that my other half would be offended to find out.

I still masturbated alone but never when a partner was around.

Curious to hear if other people have done something similar, I asked a few friends to share their experiences, and to my surprise several had.

However, many of them also worried how their lover would react.

‘My girlfriend and I live in a studio so there are some logistical issues, but if I could get away with it, I definitely would. Though I worry that it might signal a lack of desire for me wanting to be intimate with her,’ said one male acquaintance.

Another friend, a woman, added: ‘I would only do this in the bath, otherwise I’d be too on edge. I also think my partner would be annoyed – because I would be, if it was the other way around.’

Almara offers sex tips to improve sex, alone or with a partner(Picture: Rachel Adams)

These are legitimate concerns but it’s important to note that solo play in this way isn’t about rejecting your partner.

When I told my current boyfriend that I sometimes masturbate when he’s doing something else, he jokingly pretended to be affronted before giving me a wink and telling me to crack on.

In a secure relationship, there is space for pleasure alone and together.

There are great benefits to masturbating by yourself while the other person is, say, doing the dishes or watching TV downstairs.

For instance, if you – like my friend – are finding it hard to get in the mood, it can help to ‘warm up’ alone to take the pressure off.

Once you’re ready, invite your partner to come into the room.

If you feel comfortable with it, leave the door slightly ajar, so that your lover can hear the sounds you’re making.

As someone who has done this herself recently – trust me, it’s hot. 

Another variation of solo play that might tickle your fancy (especially if you’re something of an exhibitionist) is to have your partner in the room – but not in the bed. 

Tell them that they can watch, but they can’t touch.

But if your libido feels on the blink, playing alone can give you back a sense of control over your own pleasure, and it doesn’t mean your relationship is in trouble. 

Far from it.

For me, having some alone time actually made me hornier. In the days that followed, my boyfriend and I had more sex.

I’ll definitely keep doing it, if the mood strikes. 

After all, what is my body for, if not for me to enjoy it? No matter who is in the other room.

Do you have a story you’d like to share? Get in touch by emailing [email protected]

Share your views in the comments below.


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